A Letter To Yourself
So~ I wrote this, this past year to myself for a Topic and I really would like to share. It’s a place I have revisited and had to readdress this past few months with mindset and remembering where I was, where I am and being honest with how I feel.
I know some of you see me as only this “wonder woman of a trainer and that I must absolutely love myself and have the most amazing behind the scenes. No, I don’t here is what “me” looks like from the other side. I hope you can relate and hopefully gain some positive insight…………
A Brutally Honest and Raw personal note to my body….
I know a lot of you have felt this way but it isn’t spoken about. I am going to speak out loud the thoughts I know others have had. I am going to share these next few weeks, struggles I have had and how I have come to make peace with my body and to love it (most days, I sometimes still struggle), good, bad and never ugly.
There contains some hateful and not so nice things that I have said to myself. This will not be your typical blog that starts with a happy note and a smile. It’s me being honest, it’s me baring my deepest thoughts, and it’s me being direct and in the raw.
Hey! Umm, Hello There, mmm… That doesn’t feel right either. Long time no talk…well this isn’t true, since historically speaking, I berated you constantly; I guess that’s a form of talking… Let me try again…Good Morning, I think that might work. At least it’s direct & honest. That is the only point of this letter so why not nail it from the start. Right?
I wanted to ask you to consider hearing me out. I have done deep soul work on myself, peeling apart layer by layer, and I am happy with the perspective I have come to know & believe deeply. I want to let my heart lead the conversation. So, do you mind listening to me for a bit, I promise you it is worth it. All I ask is to hear me out, and perhaps allow us to….begin again.
So here goes nothing:
I am sorry. I regret a lot. I made mistakes. I am flawed, oh so very much. But I am sorry & I love you, I love you, I love you body inside and out.
I am not going to beat around the bush here. There have been days that I was not able to process exactly what was happening with being sick & felt deep hatred for you. There were days where I saw you staring back at me & the only desire I had was wanting to smash your face so I no longer had to look at it. (I warned you there would be some not so nice, brutally honest moments)
There were moments that frustration controlled me & I simply acted out. I never addressed where my emotions were coming from. I was very harsh with you. I know when people are short with me I become unsettled. If it affects me, of course it would you as well. I was raised better than that. I apologize.
I am embarrassed to admit my abuse to you didn’t stop there. I held onto so much pain, that I overwhelmed you with my sadness, fear, hopelessness, helplessness and despair (there were times last year, I could barely get out of bed, let alone walk; the pain was so bad. I right away thought life was over and thought the worst). I was so disgusted by your aliments, fat, failings, illnesses, and shape that I couldn’t even mutter the words to say, yes, I am with her. I separated myself from identifying with you. How sad that I felt that was the answer.
I remember days of sudden panic when I realized my shirt had moved up while I was reaching for something. My stomach exposed. My largest flaws uncovered. I let that moment set the tone for the rest of my day. All or nothing. I lost so many days of happiness, by allowing self created hell run the show. Fuck. I am intelligent, maybe not in the book way, but I have a deep understanding of the human experience, why was it so hard to see it in my own life?
We both know that in the last few years, some of the days of our life, you didn’t show up to work. You were not able to complete your job. I immediately jumped into thoughts of how you sucked & you were so shitty. I thought about how you caused me so much pain. How you made my eyes swell over in tears, how you made me lose a sense of worthiness, how you allowed others to hurt me, how you literally tore me up and turned everything toxic you didn’t want so it had to get out.
I remember that’s how I used to think. I wanted to say sorry for that. I wanted to apologize now so I don’t have to dance around it anymore, and so we can move forward. I have learned so much, grown so much and I love you. I love every part of you~ every part through the darkness & the light. So please accept this next part of the letter, my love letter to you.
TO MY BEAUTIFUL BODY~
This morning I woke and my first thought was, I am alive!! (And it’s Monday!!! I LOVE Mondays) I breathed deeply & let out a sigh. I said out loud, Yesssss! I am still here! The reason I’m here was hard to admit being as stubborn as I am, but I realize, I am here because of you and all you do.
You have kept me running for over four decades. Good Work! I realized how long 35 minutes on the treadmill with a weighted vest on, is today (very very very long if you were wondering), so the realization of how long you have been at work without a break, I bow down to you my body. You do amazing work!!!
I will break it down for you below as there are so many parts I want to send my love to. Please while you read this, take a moment to feel the love because for the first time ever in my life, everything I love everything about you is pure. So enjoy this love fest I dedicate to you.
My hair, but more so I love its ability to trust your decision to have it continually fall out when I am at my sickest. By your strength to let go, it became clear to me how sick I had become & was able to finally stop my auto pilot & take care of me. (I did secretly wish you would grow back super thick and dark but I am over that) I love how you wake up crazy; I have never loved anyone’s bed-head so dearly as yours. Thank you.
My eyes: If there is one part of me that sets me straight, Eyes you are it. You stare back at me with such intensity combined with a fierce love. Thank you for letting me see into my soul. Thank you for allowing sparkles to shine or tears to fall (I’ve been told I have leaky tear ducts, I may, tears fall frequently, but the sparkles are outshining the tears more and more). Thank you for expressing my hearts thoughts through you when I had no words.
My mouth: Even during tough personal times, you couldn’t stop sharing your love with those around you. You couldn’t help verbalizing to those that you saw shining, how amazing they were and seeing the good and letting them know. I applaud that. You held on to hope. You opened up to those closest to you to share how dark your days were becoming. I thank you for holding on. I thank you for the words you speak to yourself & others, for the beauty of your expressions.
My back: Another area that has been inflicted with nerve pain lately that has at times become unbearable. You taught me that when I feel your pain, I can love you more, care for you better & become one again. Thank you for keeping me upright. For reminding me to stand tall, believe in myself & know my strength.
My stomach: ooohhh, a very loaded area for sure. I have to come back to you. This is absolutely the hardest part of the letter & also the most gut wrenching because I can see the damage done both to you as well as my words layering on top of it all. Let me revisit this in a few. Please honor this one request.
Legs: We have been through it all from the compliments & having people say that I had legs for days to the multiple knee issues and swelling. There is constant pain due to the issues not caught when I was younger, sure. But that never stopped you. The extra work you had to overcome you always did. You supported a hyperactive, always-in-motion girl…sometimes that girl was crazy in her will to push through pain and overwork those legs. You still supported her. You had held the weight of the world on you with all my steroids, bloating & more. I remember crying when a doctor said I should stop doing all that bothers my knees and legs that was early before I was ever diagnosed with Lupus. I remember thinking it was all over. But I luckily smartened up. You work. I have both of you! You allow me the freedom to just be. You get me everywhere I need to go & your pace though slow sometimes, helps me stop and smell the roses and see the the beauty around me even more. So thank you.
This could go on forever. I guess what I want to say is Body, You are beyond flipping amazing. So you don’t work like the “healthy” or “perfect” or “athletic” people. But if you did, I wouldn’t know your beauty. I would have taken you for granted all my life. I wouldn’t want that. Instead, you are stronger than all of those kinds of people put together. You work so much harder, you accept so much pain, you overcome challenges, you never ever gave up on me, you took abuse from others & you never quit despite the abuse I stupidly gave you to deal with as well.
There are so many parts of you (remember Lever 2000 soap commercials)… I don’t have time nor do I expect you to continue reading, we have a wild love fest to get started!!! But everything about you is amazing. Even the arm hairs, they all are unique. Every one choosing to stand, lay, bend, they all do their own thing, just like you have allowed me, though the path to me owning it fully has been very hard for you to witness I am sure.
So before I finish, I need to address one part for sure.
My stomach: I always thought you didn’t work as if it was a choice. As if you were a stomach that didn’t want to do it’s only job. I forgot that you were struggling just as much. You probably feel accomplished when you do your digesting. So I know this is a forgiveness that may never be given, but I beg of you to listen to my words & to trust my heart always knows exactly how it feels & is right. I love you. I love you for continuing to try to work, after years and years of abuse both verbal and with how I fed you and tried every quick fix, that I’m sure wreaked havoc with you. I thank you for staying the course. I thank you for not doing something drastic that took all my precious years away. We have a past & I am certain a future of stories as well, but I can promise you this, from this point on, we are a team. Always.
As for you physically, Rachel, you are beautiful. Your pure childlike soul leaps out of your eyes every time I see a mirror, prepping me for our next adventure. But one part took more of my time. I can’t deny how much of my life I wasted obsessing over my stomach. The weight gain caused by some of the steroid treatments, bloating, the Lupus, everything. I have hid you for as long as I can remember. I never went to the beach. I didn’t allow people to hug me close in case they touched my waist. I wore sweatshirts 24/7 despite the heat. I always slept in pajamas. I am sorry I placed such shallow labels on what you were supposed to be, and if you were ever near someone who agreed with those thoughts, I apologize for exposing you to such a shallow human. I won’t ever do that again. You are beautiful. You protect my insides from being hurt. You keep everything together. So I accept you, however you come. I am not afraid of you anymore, & I dedicate my life now to the best partnership possible.
I started a few days ago with this changed mindset. It’s my first step for our relationship to begin again, just my body & me. Will you end up changing physically? Maybe, but it is out of a love to make my body healthy and feel better, not for anything cosmetic.
I love you. Oh, and when we go to bed tonight, I am snuggling the shit outta you <3 Rachel