5 Things You’ll Need To Survive This Year’s Testicle Festival

The 30th annual Testicle Festival is coming sooner than you think. We're talking less than one week! This year's Testy Festy is slated for August 1st-5th, which is creeping up on us super quick, so it's time to get prepared. And believe me, you'll need to follow these five simple steps in order to ensure that you are well stocked and ready to tackle a full four days of absolute craziness.

Take it from a guy who practically lives in a tent the full week of the festival, there are some things you'll want to learn from a seasoned pro, so you don't make the same mistakes I made the first few years I attended. From hangover cures, to keeping your cell phone charged, here are the top five things you'll need in order to truly enjoy the largest annual event in the state.

1. Prepare To Party, Prepare To Recover

We are talking non-stop insanity here, folks!  Once you pull off the highway and into the Rock Creek campgrounds, expect an onslaught of visual overload. From the bikes to the babes, the bands, and the balls, you may need some time to allow your senses to recover. While this may apply to the brave few that are attempting to power through the full week of fun and activities, my advice for them is that once they are finished reading this article they should put in a time-off request at the office and allow themselves some ample room to both prepare and recover. It personally took me at least three full weeks to nurse myself back to my normal self following the previous years' excursions. So I'm suggesting, at the VERY minimum, request Tuesday-Monday of that week off. You are going to need it. Trust me.

2. Dress Like The Apocalypse Has Arrived

When I first attended the Testy Fest years back, I swore I stepped onto the set of Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. Never before had I seen so many dusty leather vests, wrinkled cargo pants and stained T-shirts. But see, that all made sense to me early on in my first camping adventure out there. Resources are very limited at the Rock Creek. Showers are few and far between, laundromats are non-existent and the closest you'll get to actual running water is the Clark Fork River across the train tracks. So I would advise that for each day you plan to attend, to bring at least two full sets of clothing, and soap (for the love of God, bring SOAP!). Also, it might be in your best interest to quickly make friends with anyone that has a shower in their Winnebago.

3. Juice Your TOOL(S)

You are absolutely going to want to take as many photos as you can to remember all this madness, plus you'll want to make many phone calls to your friends back in town to report on the things that you just witnessed. Since their aren't many electricity outlets out at the Testicle Festival, I'd advise that you purchase the one item that saved me a time or two last year and that I had wished I purchased for the years before. Swing into Radio Shack and pick up one of these nifty solar chargers. This portable (and pretty cheap) device juices your camera and phone in a pinch, and does so quickly! Bringing extra batteries for all of your devices is also a smart idea.

4. Moisturize, Hydrate AND PROTECT YOUR BITs

I cannot stress this enough. Although the lodge sells water and Powerade in their cafeteria, it's still in your best interest to stock up on extra bottles of water before you begin your adventure at Rock Creek. In the beginning of August, the temperatures in Montana are near 90 degrees, so you'll most certainly want to have some liquids near your reach at all times. By Saturday night, you are going to be pretty wiped out, so hydrating yourself throughout that week should help keep you energized for the finale. Plus, you'll want to protect the skin you're in with a high SPF sun screen. And while I don't recall that many mosquitoes ruining our fun in previous years, it still wouldn't be all too bad of an idea to bring some spray repellant, just in case.

5. Medication and Misc.

I think we've pretty much covered the absolute necessities above, but just to make sure you are uber-prepared for practically anything that's tossed your way at this event, here's some last minute items that you might want to consider stocking up on before you make your way out there:

Ibuprofen (Especially if you plan on pounding a few shots and brews)

Clamato (Perfect for hangovers the next morning, +1 if you bring celery)

Tums (Plan on eating some balls? This will be your best friend)

Alka Seltzer (You are going to see some things that may turn your stomach)

Triple Antibiotic (For minor infections, you never know what he's carrying)

Soap (We mentioned it before, but for the love of all things holy, please, PLEASE bring some)

Whip Cream (Duh)

Make sure you return to this site again real soon for more tips, interviews and exclusive news in the days leading up to the big event, plus join us for our live blog and broadcast from the Rock Creek Lodge the week of the Testical Festival. By all means, leave some suggestions and other survival tips in the comments below in case we forgot to add something to our list. Let's have a ball!