Should Men Use Emoticons?

Recently, my friend and were texting. I used an emoticon that looked something like this: :o

She was not amused. In fact she called me out, wondering why I would ever use an emoticon. That lead into a deeper conversation. Basically, if she’s texting with a guy and he uses a ;) or something to that effect… He’s a dork and its game over. Here’s more on my friend’s ‘anti-guy emoticon unwritten rule.’

Dear most men who I've given my phone number to (and the weird ones who somehow obtain my digits without actually asking me personally for them),

Emoticons are about as impressive to me as the vocal range of the lead singer of Nickelback.

Short of phone fingers, emoticons are the worst thing to ever happen to texting.

They lack creativity, wit, and most importantly--any sort of testosterone.

Here's a few simple rules I wish more of you would take to heart before pouring out yours, by way of touch screens and tablets:

1. Don't ever send me an emoticon with a nose.  It makes me feel like I'm communicating with a 6-year-old

2. If you surpass a certain threshold of emoticon usage, I'm going to start assuming you take shirtless selfies of yourself in the mirror as well, and in turn I will never allow you to seal the deal with me. Ever.

3. Next time you're thinking about firing off an emoticon preceded by some sort of text...

For example: 'can't wait 4 our date 2nite :p'

Take the time to:

A.) Look in the mirror and repeat the text out loud.

B.) Immediately follow that by trying to imitate the emoticon with your own facial expressions in the mirror.  If it looks ridiculous (which 95% of the time it will), then send me the text sans that stupid emoticon.

However, unlike my friend, I appreciate a well-placed emoticon from a guy sprinkled throughout a text message conversation.

In fact, a guy that texts a girl using emoticons, means business:

“When a guy uses emoticons, he’s interested. Most men don’t use them often, so there’s more weight to them than you’d think.”

However, I guess I should no longer use a little :) with my coworkers:

Emoticons should only be used with people you could foresee as a viable sexual partner with few exceptions (see rule 3). Don’t use emoticons with a friend or co-worker. It will come off as creepy.

Ahhh... What the H E double hockey sticks. If you want to use a darn emoticon... DO IT! You only live once! ;o)