Cultural dilettante Ja Rule had the noble goal of delivering the best festival ever, and as we all know, Ja is always on time. His idea of livin' it up in the ultimate luxury experience came in the form of this weekend’s Fyre Festival in the Bahamas. Yoga. The best in dining. Cabanas for two. Because every thug need a lady.

Today, festivalgoers clapped back by asserting that Fyre was not all that was advertised! I'm real! Amongst their claims, “disaster relief” tents were erected instead of promised cabanas, and “rabid dogs” wandered the grounds. But pain is love, so we’re here to set the record straight, as we’ve EXCLUSIVELY obtained the festival’s welcome packet, along with pictures of all amenities. If you have other news you'd like to share about this ongoing story, then, baby girl, put it on me.

Thank you for choosing the Fyre Festival! Let the fun begin! To start, never forget our mission statement for the weekend:

Two unforgettable weekends of mystery and music, Fyre Festival is for those with uncompromising taste and a burning desire for adventure.

Set against the surreal island backdrop of the
Exumas where ordinary rules don’t apply,
Fyre ignites the best in music, cuisine, innovation
and hospitality.

We're happy to welcome you to a world of luxury for the conservative price of $4,000-12,000! Come enjoy our bountiful amenities!!!

1) VIP SECTION

2) PRIVATE BAR

Courtesy of Getty Images

3) LUXURY ACCOMMODATIONS

Courtesy of Koichi Kamoshida / Getty Images

4) HOT YOGA

5) NATURAL HEALING AND WELLNESS

Screengrab via YouTube

6) MASSAGE PARLOR

Screengrab via YouTube

7) ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFET

8) EXOTIC WILDLIFE

Courtesy of 'Game of Thrones' / HBO

9) AN ARRAY OF ARTISTS THAT YOU CAN ONLY SEE HERE!

Courtesy of Jonathan Leibson / Getty Images